Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??