Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Put a ring on it
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.