6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
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I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate