luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I have a type: disappointing
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
spot the difference
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.