I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.