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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
The internet is full of many things
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do