Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I have a new favorite meme page
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon