I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
#SuperBowl
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard