god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned