Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor