I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I have never related to a cat more
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.