One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults