You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”