cats when you pet them too long:
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North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.