ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
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Why is this me 😫
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.