I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?