Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If looks could kill
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!