I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Thank you corporation very cool
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.