I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.