Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
You Might Also Like
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
#gardening
Seems legit
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people