The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
it must be school picture day
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.