Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom