I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy