OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
so weird how every mom was born today
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.