Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.