“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?