*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.