“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Ape together strong
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?