If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Meme Monday.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”