Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?