The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
You Might Also Like
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing