that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )