Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Don’t talk down to me
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Lol
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.