While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Are you ok, human???
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.