[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.