My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
This was a bad idea all around
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what