Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.