wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
lmfao
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Living the best life.. 😊
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.