Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No