*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
called in thicc to work this morning
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Butt weight. There’s more!
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho