I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.