this country is so goddamn polarized
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.