If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are