JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf