GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
2 years later
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.