Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.