For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did