Nice try Hitler
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My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I know this now 😂
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.