[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*