I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You Might Also Like
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.